An Enthusiastic Endorsement for Spotify-Stalking Your Crushes

There’s nothing quite like the unique combination of pride and self-loathing that comes with successfully internet stalking the person you’re into. As in, the aha-moment when you find them on LinkedIn—on Incognito, obviously—and confirm that they do actually work for the bank they said they did, but also the painful realization that you just spent way longer than anyone should looking for their ex’s Instagram when you could’ve just…not.

Rookie internet sleuths know their way around Instagram and Facebook stalking and, don’t get me wrong, those are great jumping off points! (How else are you supposed to find pics of his dad to make sure he’s going to age well?) But only seasoned pros are familiar with the benefits of Venmo stalking, and perhaps most jarringly, all the blood, sweat, and tears that led you to stare at their parents’ house on RedFin at three in the morning—a nice three-bedroom in the suburbs that they did, in fact, buy in the ‘80s.

If all this sounds deranged to you, then partially, fine, you’re right. But allow me to redeem myself by introducing you to a much simpler (and dare I say, healthier?) version of internet stalking on a platform that you’re already using everyday anyways: Spotify.

The list of benefits to Spotify-stalking your crush is a long one. Unlike on TikTok or LinkedIn, there’s currently no way to see who’s viewed your profile, so you can browse their playlists to your heart’s content—including their sex playlist, if they have one, which can tell you everything you need to know about their bed game. If they’re still listening to “I Just Had Sex” by The Lonely Island, block immediately. All The Weeknd? Marriage.

Some people like to take the time to make a solid playlist. Ya know, one that has a name or is labeled for a specific purpose, like sex. If you want to know what this person’s day-to-day looks like, Spotify-stalk. Do they have a workout playlist? A lo-fi focus playlist? A playlist called “Cooking” or “Sundays” that’s packed with mellow tunes that are simultaneously wholesome and also kind of horny? If so, then congratulations—they have their shit together.

Enter: the “healthier” part of the conversation…using their Spotify profile to actually find common interests and chat about them IRL. If their Summer 2022 playlist is exclusively the new Beyoncé album that you also have on repeat, hi! Bring it up on your next date! Or better yet, text them the YouTube link accompanied by an unassuming, “have you heard this yet?” text. If you can see they’re following an artist you’re also obsessed with, suggest a concert date or casually add their discography to the playlist you listen to on your next drive together. “I love this song!” “Oh! You don’t say!”

Now, I am not suggesting you feign interest in a group or genre that you actually dgaf about just so you have something to talk about. If you have nothing better to discuss, maybe it’s time to re-evaluate them as a prospect. But I also won’t tell on you if you, idk, listen to the obscure indie group they’re all over to find that you’re also “into them” so you can subtly name drop them on your next date.

Have we fully enlightened you to the benefits of Spotify-stalking? Great. Now you’re probs wondering *how* to actually go about it successfully, because it’s not as straightforward as you might think. For them to show up on your Friend Activity panel (on the right side of your desktop) you have to be friends on Facebook. I know, bummer. But! That’s not a requirement for you to find their profile. You can still type their name in the search bar and hope for the best. Better yet, if you have a mutual friend who you *are* friends on Facebook with, it’s easier to find them and then stalk their Spotify followers to find your crush. (Which means, yes, you still have to connect your Spotify to Facebook.) Still no dice? Ask them to send you the best Spotify playlist they’ve ever made, open the link, click on their profile name next to the “By” line, and voila!

Another pitfall of Spotify-stalking is that you can’t see what podcasts they’re listening to, so unfortch, there’s no way to ensure they’re not a fan of The Joe Rogan Experience. For that, you’ll have to pivot back to Instagram, where you *can* see what podcasts/hosts/influencers/celebs/politicians they follow—but that is a deep dive you’re already familiar with.

And if Spotify-stalking just doesn’t feel like an effective use of your time (I can’t imagine why), then you might not have to wait long for the platform to become a certified social media outlet. In June, TechCrunch reported that Spotify is currently developing a “Community” feature that lets you see what your friends are listening to and adding to their playlists in real time on mobile. That means you can officially consider yourself ahead of the curve. You’re welcome.

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