Look, do we want to be the ones to smut up the Platinum Jubilee with recommendations of sex toy deals and sex positions?
No. No we do not.
But someone has to do it. Otherwise, how else will you stave off boredom this Bank Holiday weekend?
So, here we are, sharing some ideas for what to do to fill the hours between picnics and parties.
The experts at Ann Summers reckon that if you’re going to have sex this weekend, you should at least stick to the Jubilee theme – so they’ve put together seven sex positions inspired by the occasion.
Now, we’ll warn you: some of these positions’ royal connections are a bit of a stretch.
In fact, some of them appear to just be standard sex positions, but with bunting.
If you do want to make these more Jubilee-themed, you have our approval to grab some Pimms or address your partner as Your Majesty.
Here’s how to do ’em.
To honour 70 years on the throne, try the 70 – a one-up on the 69.
It’s the same as a 69, with both partners receiving and giving oral at the same time, but rather than lying down, you add some athleticism and balance by being upright – either standing or sitting – so one person is hanging head-down.
A Royal Crown
Okay, this is just sitting on your partner’s face to receive oral. It’s royal because you’re like a crown on their head.
We’d like to take this moment to remind readers that we didn’t come up with these names.
A royal experience
Another slightly dubious royal connection, but this position is actually a good ‘un.
The person penetrating kneels, while their partner lies on their back. The penetrator then lifts the receiver’s hips up off the bed and gets to thrusting.
The person receiving can cross their legs, spread ’em, or just let them flop willy-nilly.
This delivers deep penetration, and leaves hands free to add to the fun.
Queening is also a term for face-sitting, so this might be a bit confusing – but in Ann Summers’ version, it’s simply a twist on missionary.
Lie on your back with your legs spread open and held aloft. Your partner then kneels in between your legs and places their hands either side of your head on the bed.
Thrust or grind while maintaining eye contact for an intimate experience.
A royal knees up
Like the wheelbarrow, but with one leg on the ground to provide some stability.
You’ll need decent upper body strength to stay in this position for longer than a few seconds, so be ready to mix things up and perhaps ease into doggie (or corgi?) style.
Have a solo sex sesh, but kneeling upright. That’s all.
A royal courtesy
Ann Summers’ explanation of why this is fitting for the Jubilee: ‘What’s more royal than a ride home? Get your jubilee themed reverse cowgirl going.’
Sure, why not?
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Queen Elizabeth II’s Platinum Jubilee 2022
Dust off your Union Jack bunting, Queen Elizabeth II’s Platinum Jubilee is finally here.
Taking place from Thursday, June 2, to Sunday, June 5, the celebrations mark Her Majesty’s record-breaking 70th year on the throne.
Across the UK, there will be street parties, concerts, and other special events attended by the Queen and senior members of the Royal Family.
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