IT’S football — but certainly not as we know it. It’s Saturday, it’s 3pm and the beautiful game is back.
Of a sort. Because this is the ghostly Bundesliga coverage from a eerie BT Sport studio.
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The TV channel trailed their live broadcast as a “thrilling five-way contest for top spot”. Which made it sound like a night round Kyle Walker’s gaff — but no matter.
Starved of football, like millions of us, I sat on the sofa positively salivating. And the big news is that, post-lockdown, BT Sport host Jake Humphrey has lost his hair, grown a shaggy beard and is evidently sleeping rough in a tent.
Except, it turns out it is stand-in host, James Richardson.
In the studio, Raphael Honigstein (no, me neither) keeps a sensible distance while Owen Hargreaves joins from home, showing off his daring new accessory — a quite magnificent door handle protruding from his right ear.
As an alternative to the blood and thunder of the Premier League, the Bundesliga is right up there with our very own League One football.
But right now, given it is the only live football in town, I’ve got a large stein of Beck’s in hand, a bowl of authentic Huober Pretzels (amazing what you can still get in Lidl) and I’m excited as a kid on Christmas Eve.